Harry Potter! Missed Opportunities!
by jennifer snape
Summary: Spoof of all our well known characters!....::“Lets eat some sherbert lemons and talk about that ferocious pet that is hanging out of your pocket.”::....


-------------

I adore Harry Potter and I thought it would be fun to make a spoof, having read an excellent spoof of Enid Blyton's 'The Famous Five' by 'Susannah Anna Hannah Potter' in the Enid Blyton section of this website. Enjoy it!

-------------

Missed Opportunities!

----------

How Book 1 could have been shorter:

---------

Hagrid arrives in Dumbledore's office, reeking of smoke and Firewhisky, with a bar stool still stuck to his behind.

Dumbledore (eyes narrowing): "Did you deliver that Hogwarts invitation letter to Harry or did you go to the Hogshead instead?"

Hagrid (turning beetroot red): "I delivered the letter!"

Dumbledore (sighing in relief): "Thank you, Hagrid. Now I can rest assured that if Harry doesn't turn up to school, it is because he has decided not to come and not because you are the last person on earth who should be trusted to deliver a letter when the route takes you past a pub."

Hagrid (to himself): _Phew!_

Dumbledore: "Lets go and eat some sherbert lemons and do some knitting and talk about that ferocious pet that is hanging out of your pocket."

The End

--------------

--------------

Why book 1 _wasn't_ shorter:

---------

Albus: "We have to find a hiding place for the Philosopher's Stone…. Being the most intelligent wizard of all time, it shouldn't be too difficult for me to surround it with impenetrable spells, and isolate it on a far off island where it will be out of harm's way."

He thinks for a few seconds.

"On second thoughts…. As it's the one thing that Voldemort wants more than anything, let's keep it right here at Hogwarts and endanger the lives of all the students instead."

Minerva: "Oooh excellent idea. I'm sure that if anything goes wrong, that 11 year old boy who only found out that he was a wizard yesterday will sort it out while we put our feet up."

-----------

-----------

How Book 2 could have been shorter:

--------

Ron: "Oh no!" (His ears turn pink) "We can't get onto platform 9 and three quarters!" (His ears turn pink) "Wait - I've got an idea! Let's take my dad's flying car and fly it to - "

Harry: "Nah, let's not bother. Let's go back to your house and watch DVDs instead."

Ron: "Sounds good to me."

His ears turn pink.

The End

-----------

-----------

The reason that Book 3 _wasn't_ shorter:

-------

Minerva: "Considering that the Dark Arts job has been cursed for such a long time, and that due to the existence of the Polyjuice Potion (which even a second-year student can brew) it is very easy to impersonate someone, should we perhaps ask Professor Moody a couple of security questions just to make sure that he's not an imposter?" She thinks for a while. "Or should we just assume that it's him?"

Albus: "Let's just assume that it's him."

You know the rest.

-----------

-----------

How Book 4 could have been shorter:

----------

Harry: "Cho I fancy you, will you go to the Ball with me?"

Cho: "No"

Harry: "Cool."

----------

----------

Missed opportunity to make Book 4 shorter:

--------

Minerva (angrily): "Albus, I've been told that there are plans to host a Triwizard tournament here! You can't be serious! There have been THREE attacks on this school in the past three years, and this tournament will only enable MORE dark magic to find it's way into Hogwarts - "

Albus (taking two sherbert lemons out of his ears): "Sorry? I didn't catch that!"

Minerva: "Oh dear, I don't seem to remember." She thinks for a second. "Never mind - I'm sure it wasn't important"

Albus: "It never usually is, dear." He hands her one of the sherbert lemons.

She takes the proffered sweet and pops it into her mouth.

---------

---------

Deleted scene from Book 5:

--------

Albus: "Umbridge, get out! You have committed grievous bodily harm to Harry by making him write on the back of his hand. That's not allowed."

Umbridge gets out the school rules and points to page 314. "Actually it is".

Albus (apologetically): "Pardon me, my mistake."

----------

----------

How book 6 could have been shorter:

----------

Albus (addressing everyone in the Great Hall): "Due to Professor Snape's deduction of 5,360,000 points from Gryffindor house over the past 5 years, that particular house has been knocked into oblivion and no longer exists! Therefore all the Gryffindors no longer have to come to Hogwarts ever again. Please get your things and close the door on your way out."

All the Gryffindors go home.

Hermione files a law-suit.

The End

-------------

-------------

Why the title of book 6 was nearly changed:

--------

Harry: "I haven't got a potions textbook - could I borrow one from the store-cupboard?"

Slughorn: "No."

---------

--------

How _most_ of the books could have been shorter:

---------

Harry: "Ouch my scar hurts!"

Everyone: "Put a sock in it, Harry!"

He does.

The End

-------------

-------------

How the books might NEVER have happened at all:

-----------

Minerva: "Albus, do you remember the name of that student that we need to send a Hogwarts invitation letter to? We left him at the Dursley's house 11 years ago…." She scratches her head. "Harry something…."

Albus (looking up from his knitting): "No."

Minerva: "I could look it up…."

Albus (eating a sherbert-lemon-gumdrop-flavoured-'Every-Flavour-Bean'): "Don't bother. Have a sweet instead." (Offers sweet).

The End

----------------

ooooooo

----------------

I LOVE Harry Potter, and this was NOT meant to be insulting in any way! I just thought it's hilarious how Harry always saves the day despite knowing next to nothing about magic, Ron's ears always turn pink, Dumbledore is obsessed with sweets, everyone always comments about how much Harry's eyes look like Lily's…. I could go on all day. I hope you enjoyed this! Thank you for reading!

------------


End file.
